The Juxtaposition of Self

I’m not really sure what’s going on in my head right now, but I figure that if I write out my thoughts it’s possible that something good will come out of it. I can never right my wrongs unless I write them down. I’m not sure if I’ll find a resolution or if I’m just blowing of steam with no end in sight.

It’s just past 11PM. I’m at work right now. Thinking. Pondering. Contemplating. Wondering why I feel this way. I’m not sure what it is, but I just haven’t been feeling myself. I won’t say lately, because I’ve been feeling this way for a while. I’ve been masquerading behind…. nothing… or myself. See there isn’t much need for hiding when nothing is seeking you.

Ever since I moved to Michigan and finished out my high school career, I’ve been basically a loner going through the motions behind life’s shadow. I played sports when I got here, but I didn’t build a bond that goes outside of the game or school. I don’t drink, smoke or party, so I was mostly at home or near it in my neighborhood just siting around waiting for the next day. That was my junior and senior year at Canton High School. Then I was excepted to Michigan State University.

I came to State in the fall of ’09 and instantly fell in love. I didn’t visit before I decided to come. I wasn’t even sure if college was for me, but I blindly came. I didn’t/haven’t made friendships nor connections of any sort in college and my grades are sub-par. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING AT SCHOOL?!?!?! I know that’s what you’re thinking. It’s what I was thinking. I wasn’t partying AND my grades aren’t good. I’ve been wasting away here, right?

The jury is still out on that one.

It’s now six past midnight and I’m not sure where this is going, but I’m feeling a little better. I’ve been lonely. I guess that’s my point here. It’s loneliness. It’s sadness. My happiness is only found in working, sports and music.

I haven’t had much to do with sports, athletics or working out recently.

I have an amazing team that I work with in music. Our collective’s name is NDX and we are working hard on new material. Another team that I’m apart of is Glove Up Nation that consists of some of the same NDX members. Even music hasn’t been able to get me as excited as it once did.

I’ve been working on producing for about a month; transitioning to more behind the scenes work and I find myself to be quite joyful when engineering and producing, so I’ve stopped rapping and writing as much. I still love rapping and writing, though, so I’ll be doing a lot more to work on my craft as a whole and not focusing on only writing, only producing or only advertising.

As you can see, I’ve found a new love and appreciation for different aspects within music – my sanity.

It’s time to wrap this up now as I’m sure any person that is still reading this is bored out of his or her mind by now.

I believe that life is mostly what you make it. For the past few years I haven’t played my cards correctly. I’ve been given an okay hand, but I keep folding when it’s time to ante up. I must stop making excuses and live my life to the fullest. To the (probably two) people that have read this far and are going through anything remotely similar, know that you are not alone. We all have the power to control our happiness. Do it.

It’s now 12:47AM and time for me to make my rounds again.

Feel free to email me, tweet me or contact me on facebook through my fan or personal page if you need a friend or a pair of ears to rant to. I’m here for you. You don’t have to go through it alone. We all hit rough patches (or canyons), but giving up is never the answer. As always, I’m All About Progress.



Talk to you soon


J Reid